In The End, There’s a Little More To Death
There are big problems with the dictionary definition of the word “Death”. That word usually brings up negative vibes and feelings. It always has this ugly connotation that brings about evil and bad vibes but the truth is that death in its entirety isn’t always evil. It’s the end, it’s a curtain closer but sometimes, it is the end of a terrible period and that needs to happen for “Life” to begin.
I got one of the prompts for this challenge and instantly knew what I was going to write about. I haven’t had a lot of contact with death in my life, my dog passed away when I was 7, a grandparent died but that’s it. More recently though, I’ve encountered death in a very real way and this here is the tale of the death of the old me, the rise of a new one.
The height of the pandemic came in well-defined stages for me. The stages of being lazy, being sad about being lazy, finding productivity, worrying about losing it, losing it and then eventually not caring about losing it.
I thought I had finally mastered what to do during the pandemic, I had found a groove and rhythm and it was going very well until it all came crashing down, I watched a part of me, what I thought was a fundamental part of me die and while it was painful at the moment, I’ve come to realise that it was the moment that led me to the best phase I’ve ever had in my life.
It started with a bad event that segued into a very long series of events, making me question who and what exactly I was. I was born and raised religious, made to understand that God was the cornerstone and the foundation upon which everything in my life had to be done, Religion was a core of my life that dictated or should’ve been dictating every single action I took but the aforementioned events shook me so much that I just didn’t buy into that ideal anymore and the knowledge that I knew what was causing me pain but couldn’t do anything about it was first suffocating but in time I let it die because I just couldn’t revive it anymore.
When you’ve had a set of instructions that have designed your life around and you have followed a set path for 18+ years, it’s difficult to let it die and wilt away, letting it die is more than an adjustment, it’s watching and knowing disappointment from almost everyone that matters to you as you kill their dreams, hopes and idea of you, it’s understanding that as it dies, there are chapters that are forever closed and bridges that are burnt and will never be rebuilt. Knowledge of that made me mourn and it led me to the precipice of depression.
Of course, losing yourself is difficult but everyone goes through grief, not necessarily the death of one’s self but still grief nonetheless and I tried mourning in conventional ways, I shut the blinds, I ate a lot of ice cream, binged series to distract myself — thank you to the mentalist and sherlock holmes — but the thing about death that I’ve come to discover is that while it’s the end of a chapter, it’s also about the allowance for you to write a new book.
It doesn’t always have to be the bad guy it’s painted out to be, I know people were dealing with issues bigger than my crisis, there was a whole pandemic going on outside my room window but in those moments, I was all that mattered, my world view was just me. I engaged in a lot of wallowing but after prompting from a very good friend, I got off my butt when I received what I consider to be one of the best things I’ve ever received, it was a free pass to customize a shirt and put anything I want on it and simple as that was, it was the kick-starter I needed. I got “I am eccentric :)” inscribed on it and that motivated me to get out of bed and see what’s on the other side of death.
Death should and can also be viewed as the cocoon that turns your caterpillar into the butterfly that brightens up people’s days and helps you spread your wings and be the best you can be in your ideal living. It wasn’t easy, I missed pieces of my old life but ones I knew wouldn’t work out in this new one. I lost a relationship where my partner was the best thing that had and probably will be the best thing to happen to me, a friend group that was a backbone to my community life moved on without me, and while there has been hurt and plenty of reasons to re-visit, to return to the familiarity of the old life, there’s also a lot going on for me right now that makes me understand why that’s not an option.
There’s now a whole lot better with me, I’ve always been jovial but this was taking things to new heights, A random jig on the streets, where previously I had even been scared to move faster than a walk, laughing and helping out where I can make me realize that a whole burden had been lifted off my shoulders with the death of that old self, understanding that life is life, you’re not living unless you’re happy with life.
So back to my new definition of Death, Death is the end of a cycle, Death is a phenomenon that brings both mourning and celebration and while it more often than not brings tears to your eye, sometimes it’s tears of joy and that could be worth looking out for a lot more often.
